business
sarcasmYour success depends on the quality of your elevator pitch. Basically, your success doesnât depend on much of anything else. The pitch is king. You have to impress the catcher investor in just a few seconds while the elevator is still moving (thatâs where you are supposed to hunt for that prey). Itâs not rocket science; you can learn a few basic principles and become an expert. Here they are, the principles.
Look. Rule number 1: You must look right, like Mark Zuckerbergâthe same gray T-shirt every day with the same smile. The way you look must demonstrate that youâre part of the community. Youâre one of us! These three things will help: a beard, an electric skateboard, and an Apple Watch. If youâre a girl, replace the beard with a yoga mat and youâre all set. By looking that way, youâre telling investors that your chances to succeed are way higher than anyone who doesnât have an Apple Watch and is a stranger because of that.
Innovate. These are the words you must include in your pitch: innovation, innovative, innovate. Itâs never too many. Put them (or their synonyms) everywhere; itâs all for good. How about this: âOur innovative solution is an environmental breakthrough?â Nobody knows what it means, but everybody understands that youâre a big-time innovator. Even if itâs yet another calorie calculator. Investors must understand that youâre not just making a software product; you innovate.
Complicate. Internet of Things in lieu of a thermometer, augmented reality instead of goggles with a camera, and global health rather than a database of dentists. You get the idea. Donât be specific; itâs dangerous. They may ask you what kind of database it is and how itâs different than the other 50 databases on the market. But if you say global health, they wonât have any idea what youâre talking about, which is exactly what you need. Learn those words and use them whenever possible. Here are some of my favorites for you to remember: business model canvas, viral mechanics, growth hacking, data-driven mentality, design thinking, and game-changing disruption.
Smile. You are super excited about this fantastic opportunity! Youâre extremely motivated to do this project with these absolutely great people! Youâre passionate about the idea and fully committed to implementing it! You love the team, the partners, the investors, and the customersâtheyâre all very nice people youâre happy to work with! Youâre very enthusiastic about everything! You love everyone! ⌠But be careful; donât overact or you may end up in a mental hospital.
Compare. Compare yourself to Uber; you will never lose. It was Airbnb a few years ago and Dropbox before that. Today itâs Uber. Start your pitch with âItâs like Uber but âŚâ No matter what you put after that, it will work. All investors are dreaming about getting a new Uber in their portfolio. You should help them make this dream come true. Thereâs no need to be too complicated; just say youâre âlike Uber but âŚâ and your chances to score Round A will jump higher.
Imitate. Elon Musk! You have to mention this guy; you absolutely must. Try this: âAs Elon Musk said in his book, it is very difficult to build a successful startup.â You, being aware of wisdom like that, give them the impression that youâre related to the Silicon Valley culture, which is what they want to feel. Always try to show that Elon Musk is a role model for you. Having a T-shirt featuring his face will also help. By the way, donât use Steve Jobs; itâs not a trend anymore. Moreover, he is dead already. Stick to Musk.
Respect. Always remember that you and your potential investors are not equal. They have money, experience, reputation, and a Tesla. You have nothing. You must demonstrate that you always remember that. Always position yourself a bit lower, play newbie, ask questions, and imitate interest in everything they say. Never compete with them or even try to argue! They are always right, and they are simply awesome; youâre just another nobody. Something like âIâm honored to be in the same room with youâ is a very good opener.
Co-Found. You absolutely must have a co-founder, or even a few of them. They could be anybody. A roommate will work or just a friend of a friend who recently quit her full-time job. It doesnât matter who they are as long as you can call them co-founders. Put their pictures and names on your website and always say âweâ instead of âI.â Investors, in general, love to have a few phone numbers they can call when they realize their money is gone and there is nothing left. Also, itâs more fun to invest into a group of peopleâinvestors look more serious in that case.
Radiate. Never say anything bad about anything or anyone. You literally have to be 100% in positive thinking mode. That competitor who is stealing your customers is âsuch a nice guy.â That cup of coffee made of some dark powder is âvery delicious.â The programmers from Pakistan you found on Upwork for $10 per hour are âabsolutely awesome.â The marketing plan you invented yesterday is âsimply great.â Never admit any mistakes, risks, or threats. Simply ignore them. Stay positive. Investors like that.
Bluff. You have to mention that the market is absolutely huge, at least a hundred billion dollars. They wonât be able to check anyway. Actually, nobody can check that, so donât worry. But donât give a round number; that would be a mistake! It should sound more like $73.5 billion. Thatâs very convincing and will give them the confidence you needâthe market is huge and youâre not just saying it; you actually did some math. How can they not invest in such a huge and promising market?
Scream. Especially if youâre in a public place, you must speak as if youâre a bit deaf. Be loud. That will prove that youâre absolutely confident in what youâre saying, today and always. The investor will be sure you are capable of attracting mates customers and other investors, if for no other reason than because youâre not afraid of being that ugly loud in public. Youâre 100% extrovertâyou must demonstrate it shamelessly.
Beg. You may mistakenly think that this is a balanced transactionâthey give money and you give part of your equity. You may expect that both parties are equally interested in this. But donât make that mistake. Youâre begging, and they are giving. Out of courtesy. Thatâs a win position for you. By having money, they expect to be on top of others. This is what capitalism is about, right? Donât take this away from them. You must be ready to shine their shoes. With a big smile on your face.
Love. The truth is that investors donât want to make money. They want to make love. Youâre a perfect candidate. They are mostly old, rich, lonely, and miserable. Their success stories are behind them. All they have is money, which they are afraid to spend because they understand that they wonât make it again. They are used-to-be successful gamblers, but not anymore. Give them what they want: love. Money is not so important, so long as you love each other. Remember, first they must fall in love with you, then they will send the terms sheet.
Did I miss anything?
Rehearse your pitch in front of the mirror in the bathroom three times every morning. I guarantee that in fewer than two weeks, you will sound like a proper SV startup founder. Well, a co-founderâdonât forget that. Good luck; you will need a lot of it!
