This is a mobile version, full one is here.

Yegor Bugayenko
9 April 2019

Stop Pitching, Beg Them!

You want your startup to be visible on TechCrunch, right? But you don’t have $15-20K per month to bribe a reputable PR firm to get you there? No worries. This blog post will give you a set of simple instructions on how you can get the attention of those tech journalists who are currently busy writing about Musk’s and Zuckerberg’s innovative ideas. They will definitely write about your baby, I promise you. Just do what I say.

First of all, you have to remember that they are just writers. They are not programmers, designers, or artificial intelligence experts. Even when they write about that stuff they actually have no idea. The don’t know what machine learning is, can’t really tell the difference between Blockchain and Bitcoin, and barely remember what they were saying in their articles just a few months ago. You have to understand and forgive them. They are being paid for the word count, after all.

Second, you have to remember that they not only don’t care about your startup, they don’t care about the entire industry. They just need money to feed their families. And there are two places to find that money: 1) sound topics like Google, equality, or billion-dollar divorce (they all dream about putting them together in one title), or 2) your bank account. Thus, if you can’t tell them a mind-blowing sexual harassment story and you are not ready to pay, writing about your startup won’t help them feed their families. And you don’t want their families to starve, do you?

Be merciful. They are only human.

They are starving and you are coming with a press release pitching your startup idea, which is going to save the world and make you a billionaire. Do you think they will be glad to help you out? Never. They will only feel jealous and expect you to pay—double. Instead, you need to present yourself as someone whose starvation is even worse. They have to feel pity for you. That’s how they won’t have a chance to refuse. They must be merciful.

How do you do that?

You beg.

But not directly and explicitly, of course. You have to be pretty subtle in your self-humiliation. Here is what you do:

Got the strategy?

You can invent some other tricks, if you get the idea: you have to show them that they are much more important that your startup. They are the experts, they know what the future of machine learning is, they change the world with their articles, they are kings, while you are yet another startup founder, who is ready to do anything just to get a chance to kiss their feet be mentioned in one of their future articles.

Try it, and let me know how it works.

PS. I tried too, but I can’t seem to get further than the first step. It seems that there is something wrong with me.